To the other “childless stepmoms” out there:
I see you.
Whether you want children of your own someday or are perfectly content with this stepmom gig as your way to parenthood, I see you.
I see you feeling frustrated when you hear, yet again, that “it’s different when you have kids of your own.”
“It’s just different being a ‘real’ mom.”
“You’ll understand when you have your own kids.”
True or not, those words can sting.
I have no doubt that biological parenthood comes with its own set of feelings, experiences, and emotions. No one is disagreeing there.
But damn, it’s exhausting to hear over and over again, isn’t it?
Some of us just wish with all our hearts we had babies “of our own” but we don’t yet or can’t or never will and your words feel like knives sticking into always fresh wounds.
Some of us would rather not have any biological kids at all, and you taking our choices and using them as a way to make us feel less-than is cheap and unnecessary and rude.
It does not take biology to make a mother.
In no way am I discounting the very specific, rich experience of biological parenting, as I said before I have no doubts it is absolutely it’s own unique adventure. But I sure wish people would stop using it as a way to discount stepmotherhood.
(Not to mention, of course, adoption or same-sex parenthood or the myriad of other ways people become mothers. And they are absolutely “real mothers,” no question – I’ll fight you on that one.)
And it’s especially disheartening and frustrating to hear the “of your own” talk from other stepmoms.
As a stepmom, you often already feel like “the other” in your home or community, no need to pile on any more of it.
It’s isolating.
I heard a stepmom whom I like and respect very flippantly make a comment like that just the other day and my heart sank. Not because I doubt her experience, but because I would’ve thought she’d know better. It felt like she was defending the validity of her motherhood since she has a biological child by putting the rest of us who are “just stepmoms” down a peg.
And that just sucks.
So here I am, friends, making sure to say loud and clear that if your path to motherhood has come from your choices, not your biology, that is a stunning, beautiful, brave thing.
Being a stepmom is crazy, complicated, absurd, painful, amazing and we don’t need any more barriers or qualifiers for it.
So know that I see you.
And I get it.
And I think you’re a phenomenal woman who’s doing her best for her family and those kids and I couldn’t be prouder to be standing beside you through it.
This made my day. Thank you, I really needed it.
Absolutely! Thanks for reading, Allie! <3
I needed this today! Thank you!
Thank YOU for reading! <3
I feel like “the childless stepmom” topic isn’t talked about nearly as much as it should be and this was exactly what I needed to read!
Thank you for sharing! I think we’re a very special group of ladies who no matter biologically related or not deserve everything stated in this!
I feel the same way, Ashley! And it’s definitely it’s own unique life and position.
Thank you so much for reading! <3
Thank you for this. It really helps knowing that other people understand.
Thank you for reading, Sara – I feel the same way! It helps to know I’m not alone in this journey!
Hi. This was perfect. Tears in my eyes. Thank you.
Thank YOU so much for reading – I really appreciate knowing there are more of us around. <3
This brought tears to my eyes, as a childless stepmom I have heard all of these things so many times – even though my step kids are my entire world, even though I gave up my career to raise them, even though I would give my life to keep them safe, to so many people who don’t understand I am “just a step mom” and it kills me to hear those words. So to all you amazon mamas raising and loving another persons child(ren) I see you, I love you, and you are amazing.
Thank you
This comment is so beautiful, Sarah; thank you. I’m so proud to be standing beside you in this journey. You are an awesome stepmom, I can tell! Thanks so much for reading <3
Loved this post. What a caring sentiment and beautifully delivered. It’s a gift to know what there’s a community out there that understands and shares all that this set of life choices entails.
I feel the same way about community – it’s so, so important! Thank you so much for reading, Kylie. <3
I thank you for this not many women understand or get us childless stepmoms and it is hard i am glad you understand and get how we feel because we don’t get the love or recognition we deserve.
It’s seriously such a unique position to be in and I really don’t think there are many out there who aren’t in our position who understand what it’s really like! Thanks so much for reading <3
Today, Mother’s Day, I needed these words. I’m 43, childless, and fresh into my second marriage so this year is legitimately “I’m a stepmom now” to two wonderful young teenage kids that I’m happy to be in their lives. I’ve been there for nearly 6 years now, but just as “Dad’s girlfriend”. We are seemingly a rare breed, but inwardly.. there’s a lot of us out there! Thank you for helping this new stepmom with some tough navigation through this new chapter of life.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Mikki. We all absolutely need each other – there are lots of us out there, we’re just a bit quiet sometimes! 😉 Very happy to have you here! 🙂
xoxo
Grady